Tuesday, December 23, 2008

Missing You Dad

Your Birthday just passed, you would've been 49yrs old. I thought of you the whole day and have cried a couple times since. I don't normally get all gloomy during the holidays but there's just something about this Christmas that is making me miss you terribly. I now have 3 children that you've never met. It just crushes me that you aren't here to see me be a mommy to them. I know you would have so much fun with them and that they would adore you too. I know Steve wishes he could have met you too. I think you would've really enjoyed each other's company. He reminds me of you sometimes. He's goofy and silly and loves adventure. He's got corny jokes, and the best of all a great smile. He's hardworking and I think you would appreciate that.
Even though you were gone I was taken care of. Aunt Kathy, Aunt Liz and Beatle are awesome and love on me all the time. Beatle tries to make it to all the kids events and it means so much to me to have a little piece of you around. And Randy came into our lives just about the perfect time. Mom and him are great and are so loving. they are great with the kids too.

I miss you! I don't know why I'm deciding to write this here, therapy I suppose. I don't tend to let myself think about it to the point of tears anymore...someones always watching. I have forgotten some things about you and it breaks my heart. Some people make sure to tell me stories to remind me but time has just taken it's toll on my memory. I can't really rememeber if I called you "Dad" or "Daddy", I can't really remember your voice, and although I have little pieces of a day we had together I can't remember most of it.I have this one permanent picture of you stuck in my head, you're smiling then you laugh out loud...LOUD! I remember your hands and knees, like leather from working so hard. I remember your goofy dancing. I hang on to those memories so tightly and I hope that I can one day describe you better to my kids. Job sees your picture on the frig and on the wall and says "That's Grandpa Chris, he's in Heaven". He's named after you, Christopher Job. And Diego shares your middle name, James. Maggie is beautiful and I think you would fall in love with her immediatly. As I spend Christmas with my family I'll be thinking of you and hoping to see you one day again, to hug and hold you.

I just wanted to tell you that I loved you and I miss you.

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